I recently had a conversation with my daughter’s godmother after Aretha Franklin’s funeral. We talked specifically about the inappropriateness of the officiant “feeling up” an artist in front of God and all the witnesses. Needless to say I went on a rant about the whole situation. I explained that I would have politely removed his hand and not just stood there. I talked about how uncomfortable the artist looked and her nervous laughter. I then told her that I can understand why she didn’t do anything – I mean after all it wouldn’t be “appropriate”, “lady-like”, it might “cause a scene”. Well, Gloria would have caused a scene.
I talked about how many times girls/women find themselves in uncomfortable situations and, because they don’t want to “offend” anyone they don’t speak up. Girls are mostly taught how to be gracious, kind, loving and lady-like. But how often are we taught that we can be all of those things and still stand up for ourselves? When we aren’t taught that it’s okay to set the boundary, how do we learn? I have not taught my daughter to just suck it up when she’s uncomfortable. I’ve taught her how to establish and maintain boundaries. I gave her permission to exit any situation she isn’t comfortable in. I’ve taught her that I’m always just a “Mom?!” away.
I went on to tell her that I’m teaching my daughter how to be kind and lady-like, but I’m also teaching her that she DOES NOT have to do anything that makes her uncomfortable, period. I’m teaching her to set and maintain her boundaries. To speak up for herself. I’m teaching her that she is free to change her mind about anything. I’m teaching her to make decisions based on what she thinks is best for her, regardless of what others may think. I’m teaching her to be honest. I’m teaching her to be kind and loving, but not at the expense of her own peace and sanity. I’m teaching her that it is okay to say no, even when everyone else is saying yes. I’m teaching her to trust her instincts, her first mind, because it doesn’t usually steer us wrong. I’m teaching her that her body is her temple and that it belongs to her. Since before she could talk I explained who could touch her private areas and for what reason. I taught her that if someone touched her inappropriately, to tell me, even if that person threatened to harm us.
As she has reached her teen years I’m still teaching these same things and I’ve added some things. I’m teaching her not to send mixed messages, but rather let her no be no and her yes be yes. But I’m also teaching her that if she says yes initially, she can still say no and that no is the final answer and should be respected. I’m teaching her to abstain, but I’m realistic enough to know that she may not. So I’m teaching her that if she says no and the individual forces it, it’s not okay, it is rape and should be reported. I’m teaching her talk to me, to ask me questions and to tell me everything, even the things she believes will hurt or anger me, because it’s the only way I can protect her.
I realize the best thing I can do to protect my daughter is to equip her to feel empowered to protect herself. Ultimately, she will make her own choices, but I have comfort in knowing that I’m teaching her to be kind, loving, graceful, lady-like and strong. I’m teaching her to know her self-worth and to know that she comes second only to God. My prayer is that she is never part of #metoo or any other hashtag that is not positive. But I’m teaching her to let her light shine bright like a diamond no matter what circumstances life may bring.
Awesome my sister, I feel the same way….kudos to you