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I can remember riding the bus as a teenager and listening to adults pour out all their problems and concerns to me, a teenager. I have not worked a job yet where there were not people who came to me to discuss their problems, both work-related and personal. What baffles me is that I have had people tell me how mean I look and how they thought I was mean until they got to know me, but yet they freely tell me their stories. I know my “resting b*^ch face” is not all warm and fuzzy, but yet it does not deter, insert shoulder shrug emoji here. Truthfully, I am loving, and kind and I am helpful and concerned for my fellow man. I am a helper and a problem solver. It is what I do. I am Olivia Pope from Scandal; Robert McCall from The Equalizer, lol.  I am a social worker and I have worked in the helping profession on some level since I graduated college in 1987.  I do not mind helping and actually feel like this must be part of my purpose, part of my calling, part of my ministry.  I am sure there are many people who say and feel the same thing. 

But right now, I am tired. I need a refreshing. I need rest. I think sometimes people get so used to a person being a rock and their support that they do not stop to wonder if that person needs support. Sure, they check in every now and then, but that may not be enough. For all of you who have been the rock, the problem solver, the sounding board, the gate keeper and any other role you have served, IT IS OKAY TO PULL BACK.  You do not have to solve every problem.  You do not have to always be there.  Self-care is more important than you know.  It is not selfish to take care of you. Release the guilty feelings that plague you when you cannot be there for someone.  Because news flash, if you crash and burn, you will not be there for them anyway. 

This past year has taken its toll on me, just like everyone else.  I have been coping with a “panorama” (the COVID-19 Pandemic) that has changed life as I know it.  I have watched people die at the hands of the people sworn to protect and serve.  I have seen civil unrest.  I have lost loved ones and was not able to celebrate their lives in ways I have come accustomed to.  Heck, I witnessed an attempted coup of the US government, that made me feel the way I felt on that fateful day in September 2001 (can we say triggered). But despite all of this, I am healthy and whole.  I believe in God and I am not apologetic for my belief system. It is this belief system that has gotten me this far and will carry me further.  It is this belief system that helps me rise another day and do it all again. It is this belief system that keeps me from lying in my bed in the fetal position all day and night (the mini prevents this too, but God really is the driving force behind my drive).

Guess what?  I am still tired. I have pulled back because I must take care of me.  Pulling back does not mean I have stopped caring.  It does not mean I am no longer loving or helpful.  It does not mean that I am not concerned for my fellow man.  It simply means that I have come to understand that I do not have to give all of me. It means that I have come to understand that if I do not have the capacity to give anything, it is okay.  It does not make me a bad person.  I will no longer feel guilty when I choose to focus on me.  I will no longer feel guilty for putting myself first.  It is like the flight attendants tell us, during that safety presentation that I listen to like I am hearing for the first time when I fly – if the cabin loses pressure, put your oxygen mask on first and then secure the mask on the person who needs your help.

 Whew chile, I’m tired. I need a refreshing. I need rest.

Exodus 18:13-14

¹³ The next day, Moses took his seat to hear the people’s disputes against each other. They waited before him from morning till evening.  ¹⁴When Moses’ father-in-law saw all that Moses was doing for the people, he asked, “What are you really accomplishing here? Why are you trying to do all this alone while everyone stands around you from morning till evening?”

¹⁷ “This is not good!” Moses’ father-in-law exclaimed. ¹⁸“You’re going to wear yourself out—and the people, too. This job is too heavy a burden for you to handle all by yourself. ¹⁹Now listen to me, and let me give you a word of advice, and may God be with you. You should continue to be the people’s representative before God, bringing their disputes to him. ²⁰ Teach them God’s decrees, and give them his instructions. Show them how to conduct their lives. 

I recently had a conversation with my daughter’s godmother after Aretha Franklin’s funeral.  We talked specifically about the inappropriateness of the officiant “feeling up” an artist in front of God and all the witnesses.  Needless to say I went on a rant about the whole situation.  I explained that I would have politely removed his hand and not just stood there.  I talked about how uncomfortable the artist looked and her nervous laughter.  I then told her that I can understand why she didn’t do anything – I mean after all it wouldn’t be “appropriate”, “lady-like”, it might “cause a scene”.   Well, Gloria would have caused a scene.

I talked about how many times girls/women find themselves in uncomfortable situations and, because they don’t want to “offend” anyone they don’t speak up. Girls are mostly taught how to be gracious, kind, loving and lady-like. But how often are we taught that we can be all of those things and still stand up for ourselves? When we aren’t taught that it’s okay to set the boundary, how do we learn? I have not taught my daughter to just suck it up when she’s uncomfortable.  I’ve taught her how to establish and maintain boundaries. I gave her permission to exit any situation she isn’t comfortable in. I’ve taught her that I’m always just a “Mom?!” away.

I went on to tell her that I’m teaching my daughter how to be kind and lady-like, but I’m also teaching her that she DOES NOT have to do anything that makes her uncomfortable, period. I’m teaching her to set and maintain her boundaries.  To speak up for herself.  I’m teaching her that she is free to change her mind about anything.  I’m teaching her to make decisions based on what she thinks is best for her, regardless of what others may think. I’m teaching her to be honest. I’m teaching her to be kind and loving, but not at the expense of her own peace and sanity. I’m teaching her that it is okay to say no, even when everyone else is saying yes. I’m teaching her to trust her instincts, her first mind, because it doesn’t usually steer us wrong. I’m teaching her that her body is her temple and that it belongs to her. Since before she could talk I explained who could touch her private areas and for what reason. I taught her that if someone touched her inappropriately, to tell me, even if that person threatened to harm us.

As she has reached her teen years I’m still teaching these same things and I’ve added some things. I’m teaching her not to send mixed messages, but rather let her no be no and her yes be yes.  But I’m also teaching her that if she says yes initially, she can still say no and that no is the final answer and should be respected.  I’m teaching her to abstain, but I’m realistic enough to know that she may not.  So I’m teaching her that if she says no and the individual forces it, it’s not okay, it is rape and should be reported. I’m teaching her talk to me, to ask me questions and to tell me everything, even the things she believes will hurt or anger me, because it’s the only way I can protect her.

I realize the best thing I can do to protect my daughter is to equip her to feel empowered to protect herself.  Ultimately, she will make her own choices, but I have comfort in knowing that I’m teaching her to be kind, loving, graceful, lady-like and strong.  I’m teaching her to know her self-worth and to know that she comes second only to God.  My prayer is that she is never part of #metoo or any other hashtag that is not positive.  But I’m teaching her to let her light shine bright like a diamond no matter what circumstances life may bring.

Why am I still single? That’s the million dollar question.  If I knew the answer to that, I wouldn’t still be single; would I?  If I had a dollar for every time someone asked me that question, I would be able to buy a small island somewhere.  Or at least pay off my house and get a “kinda sorta” luxury car.   My usual response is, “I don’t know why I’m still single.  I guess I just haven’t met the right guy.”  And what follows is usually something like ‘Well, girl you better get busy trying to meet him’ or ‘Well, what are you doing to meet him?’  At which point I want to scream and say “Oh, you don’t think I’ve been trying to meet him?!!!”  Instead I just smile and try to exit as quickly as I can.

Honestly, I’ve asked myself this same question more times than I can think of. I’ve discussed it with my girlfriends and neither of us have been able to come up with an answer.  What we have concluded is that it DOES NOT make sense to us. Our reasoning, simply put, is that I’m actually a good catch.  Yep, that’s right, I said it. I’M A GOOD CATCH.  I’m educated; gainfully employed; not hard to look at; I have a good sense of humor; and I can converse fairly well.  But I’m still single.

That brings me right back to square one every time.  Why am I still single?  I haven’t looked for a husband, because as a Christian, I believe Proverbs 18:22 when it says, “He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord.”  With that being said, I don’t think it’s my responsibility to find my husband, but rather he should find me.

That brings me to another question.  How will my husband find me?  One thing I know for certain is that he is not likely to find me at my job, my house or my church (unless he’s a visitor, because well, we’ve got a lot of married folk). Therefore, I figure I have to do something to make myself more visible, like Ruth, who was gleaning in the fields when Boaz found her.  The issue is what to do? Too often, I think women feel we have to make things happen, so we go on the search for our husband.  Sometimes this search leads to the wrong someone. I’ve been down that road before and I’m not interested in taking that route again.

FACTS: I spent time in a long term relationship, that should have been short term. He was a good guy and the relationship was good; but he and I didn’t want the same things for our relationship. He talked a good game, but I think mostly I heard what I wanted to hear. My closest friend often quotes a line from the song “What a Fool Believes,” a 1978 Doobie Brothers classic. The line simply says: “But what a fool believes, he sees, no wise man has the power to reason away.” Sadly, I spent too much time believing what I saw, not what was real. I believed we were headed in a direction that we simply were not. It was good while it lasted, but it lasted too long. I’ve had other relationships, that were shorter, thank goodness. I’ve also had two bona fide marriage proposals. I’m so glad I was wise enough to say “I don’t think I’m ready.” What I really wanted to say was “Uh, dude really?” I mean, I enjoyed every aspect of those relationships, but I knew I didn’t want to be married to either of them. Yikes! Then there was the “journey”, can’t call it a relationship because it never got to that stage, with a longtime friend. It was more of an exploration. An archaeological dig is what I’ll call it. We talked almost daily; got to know each other better and then nothing. It fizzled out. I have to admit I felt hurt and angry about this situation, because I opened up to someone for the first time in a long time and then nothing happened. I felt like we had a genuine connection, but yeah, no.

So what to do?  I don’t really know. But in the meantime, I’m keeping myself busy LIVING.  I’m most definitely not sitting around complaining and feeling bad about being single, like I used to.  I’m trying to enjoy my life.  I’ve identified things that are absolute deal breakers for me. I will not waste my time in a relationship that is not going where I want it to go. If the actions don’t line up with the words, I’m throwing up the deuces. During the archaeological dig stage, if he can’t make time for me, then I’m out, because we make time for what we are interested in. I’m choosing to spend this time of my life focusing on me and my relationship with God. I’m making sure I stay whole. I’m enjoying my company and loving me. I’m working on my flaws. I’m more receptive and open to exploration. I believe people come into our lives for specific reasons. I told a friend that relationships are like sifting flour for a cake. The sifting is necessary in order to have a great finished product. The relationships that didn’t work out are like the lumps of flour left in the sifter.

Why am I still single? I do not know. But what I do know is I AM A GOOD CATCH and I’m patiently waiting on God to help my husband find me.

Parenting is the most rewarding and most challenging thing I’ve ever done. Becoming a mom changed my life, literally.  I became a more compassionate person.  Now, don’t get me wrong, I was never Cruella de Vil, but I have to admit, that my indifference was replaced with genuine concern for everyone; not just the people in my inner circle.

I really enjoy every aspect of parenting.  I was a late bloomer when I began parenting, but I wouldn’t change anything. My younger years were focused on my education and sowing my oats.  I was selfish and lacked patience.  I’m a woman of faith and believe everything happens according to God’s timing. So when the timing was right, mom was added to my identity.

I believe my daughter is a wonderful gift from God and I pray often that God will lead and guide me, to parent her the way He sees fit.  But I have to admit there are many times when I wonder if I’m doing a good enough job. I believe my job is to prepare my daughter to navigate the world; to make decisions that are in her best interest and to be a productive citizen. I want her to advocate for herself.  I want her to be kind and accepting of people who are different from her.  I want her to be open to change and to trying new things.  I want her to grow up and be her own person; even if that person does not line up with my desires.  That last sentence is the most difficult for me (and most parents I would assume); desiring that my child will choose to be who she wants, even if I don’t agree with the choice she makes.  What I realize is that ultimately, she will make the decision to be the person she wants to be regardless of my approval.

As my “baby” has gotten older, I’ve had to come to grips with the fact that I can no longer control every aspect of her life.  She is more involved in activities outside of our little bubble.  In the past I’ve always been able to “work” things out; to “fix” things so her hurt and disappointment were minimized.  However, this summer I couldn’t “work” things out or “fix” it and my daughter had to make a choice that resulted in disappointment and hurt.  Don’t get me wrong, I realize hurt and disappointment, as well as joy and success are part of growing up, but this occurrence really brought to the forefront the question of “Am I doing a good enough job parenting?” For the first time I wasn’t able to swoop in like “Super Mom” and make things work out in her favor.  No matter how much I advocated and tried to make adjustments, it just wasn’t happening.

So midstream, I had to change direction.  I had to deal with my own disappointment in the outcome before I could really help her.  I had spent a lot of time apologizing to her for how things were shaping up, and I had to stop doing that. If I’m teaching her to make decisions that are in her best interest, I have to teach her to own those decisions and the aftermath.  I had to tell her that it was okay to be upset. I had to tell her that things aren’t always going to go her way; that sometimes no matter how hard she tries, things may not work out the way she wants them to. I had to tell her that EVERY experience leads to her growth and it’s up to her to decide what to take from those experiences.

But most importantly, I had to tell myself the same things I told her.  I had to accept that just because I can’t “fix” everything, doesn’t make me a bad parent.  I am a good enough parent.  Heck I’m the only parent I know how to be. My job is not to give my child a false sense of reality.  Things don’t always work out the way we want them to, but regardless, we have to keep moving. We have to own our decisions and the ramifications of those decisions.

Although initially she was hurt and disappointed, she ended up being very happy.  She’s entering a new chapter in her life and the choice she made helped to make for a smoother transition.

Proverbs 22:6 (NLT) “Direct your children onto the right path, and when they are older, they will not leave it.”

 

“I might forgive you, but I won’t forget.”  “Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on me.” Man oh man, I’ve heard these sayings countless times.  They were part of my playbook for a long time.  But I thank God for my change of heart; for the gift He gave me to be able to forgive and forget.

Forgiving someone for hurting you is a very difficult thing.  There are so many emotions that come into play when faced with the challenge of forgiving.  And yes, I refer to it as a challenge; which by definition according to Merriam Webster is: “to arouse or stimulate especially by presenting with difficulties.” But we can rest assured that forgiving is so worth it.  There is so much power in forgiving.

So many times our thoughts are that we won’t forgive because the person hasn’t apologized.  They haven’t asked for forgiveness.  They walk around as if they haven’t hurt us.  Some things I’ve come to realize over time is that you may never get an apology for the wrong that was done and sometimes, the person really DOES NOT know they’ve hurt you.   So waiting for the apology can prove to be futile.  I for one, have made up my mind that if I never get an apology I’m still going to forgive and keep it moving.

The purpose of forgiving is to free you.  If the offender apologizes and you forgive them, they are freed as well, but ultimately, you are the one who gets the freedom.  If nothing else, you become free to go about your life without ducking and dodging the offender, because you don’t want to speak to them. You get the peace of not having to continue to dwell on the fact that the offender has not apologized.  You don’t have to keep running your lines in your head (you know, what you’re going to say when they do apologize, or when you have no choice but to talk to them).  Who wants that burden?  I certainly don’t. You get a peaceful nights rest, because you don’t have all that extra stuff on your mind.

However, true forgiveness can’t happen without you forgetting.  Forgetting is wiping everything away and starting with a clean slate.  I like to think of it like using a dry erase board.  You can write whatever you want on the dry erase board, wipe it off and start over.  But if you don’t use the dry erase board cleanser, you can still see whatever was written previously.  You can’t forget what was written on the board before.  You never have a clean slate.  If you say you forgive, but won’t forget, then you are constantly looking at the person through a clouded lens, a dirty dry erase board.  You’re still looking at everything in the past and not truly seeing the future.   You’re not seeing the potential of the peace and freedom you can have if you move forward.

Forgiving and forgetting should be applied internally as well.  We make choices daily, some good and some bad.  The mistakes we make help us grow and develop.  We need a clean slate in order to move past those mistakes.  Our mistakes are not the sum of who we are, but just components; bits and pieces.

I have forgiven myself for past mistakes.  When I made those mistakes, I was doing what I knew to do.  As I’ve grown, developed and matured, I’ve learned to do things differently.  Just like forgiving others freed me; forgiving myself provided overwhelming freedom.  I have the freedom to see my future as bright and not dim.  Honestly, if I could travel back in time, I don’t know that I would change the decisions I made, because they made me who I am today. I’m glad that I forgave myself for the bad decisions I made.  I gave myself a clean slate and started fresh.  I see my potential.

Forgiving and Forgetting is a wonderful thing. Take the time to truly practice forgiving and forgetting.

Colossians 3:13

 

Hello and welcome.  My name is Gloria Fobbs.  I’m the youngest of six children; a social worker and the mother of the most beautiful; most intelligent; most artistic daughter in the whole universe.  Can you guess that I adore my daughter?

This blog will serve as the platform for me to share my thoughts and experiences as I journey through this life as a single Christian parent.  For years I’ve desired to start a blog.  I’ve been encouraged by friends to make that leap (thank you Jacqueline and Tyra).  Well, here we go.  I don’t consider myself to know everything, but I do have a vast knowledge about some things; particularly about me and my journey.  I feel certain there are people who have some of the same questions and concerns I have.  I will be discussing my singleness, parenting, living as a Christian single and whatever else comes to mind.  Perhaps this blog will be a place where someone can come and get information as well as share information.

Come along with me on my Growing, Living and Owning Life (MyGLOLife) journey.

Hopefully my journey will help and/or inspire someone along the way.

14 “You are the light of the world – like a city on a hilltop that cannot be hidden. 15 No one lights a lamp and then puts it under a basket.  Instead, a lamp is placed on a stand, where it gives light to everyone in the house.” Matthew 5:14-15 (NLT)